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I'm Not Fine, But I'll Be Okay


Hello, friends!

Clearly, I have been unsuccessful in keeping this blog updated regularly. I am very busy and rather exhausted. Here are a few lighthearted snippets from my life recently:

-       Laugh Toast Intolerance, the sketch comedy club that I am a part of, had our first live show last Friday. It was an overall success! I am grateful for all of the people who came to watch, and everyone who laughed at our jokes.
-       I am rehearsing for a play! I cannot say that I am doing mind-blowingly well, but I am doing my best to learn my lines and blocking.
-       My American Experience class went to Disneyland on Sunday! We went to learn about political socialization in the United States, so it was educational and disheartening as well as fun and wholesome.
-       My Capstone (i.e. senior project) is well underway! I am writing about medical gatekeeping of the transgender community, and how it is replicated by gatekeepers within the trans community.

On a sadder note, I am feeling the frustration of being able to show up for other people in a way that I cannot show up for myself. Executive dysfunction makes washing the dishes or cleaning my desk a day-long battle with an uncooperative brain. Yet, somehow, I am able to do tasks and go to events for other people, even when I do not want to do any of it. I find myself singing “I don’t want to be here” in my head—a constant refrain to complement my ever-present angst. I feel old and tired and invisible. I wonder what the next twenty-one years will look like; I am so worn out from the first twenty-one years of my life, and I can only imagine myself as an inhabitant of the future if I allow myself to evolve fully into the person I know myself to be.

It is Thanksgiving week, and I have a lot to be thankful for. I don’t have it in me to feign optimism, but I want to believe that it’ll all be alright.

Best wishes,
Lydia

Title Credit: "Suicide Hotline" by The Prettiots
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