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Friends, I'm Trying to Justify My Absence

Hello, friends!

You may notice the unusualness of this post's title. The other day, I had an idea for a podcast. It would be called Friends, I'm Trying. Please imagine this title read with peak passive aggressiveness. If you have heard me being passive aggressive, or if you've heard the type of passive aggression that is often used in a Quaker environment, you know the tone I'm referencing.

Anyway, my vision for this podcast was a conversation between me and two friends. In each episode, we would check-in, discuss a topic, and end with affirmations. Every episode title would be "Friends, I'm Trying to ___". Topics would alternate between being serious personal goals and fun topics. So, one week's episode might be "Friends, I'm Trying to Meditate Daily", and the next week's topic might be "Friends, I'm Trying to Not Hate Undertale." And then I would invite friends who were relevant to that goal. (For example, a friend who meditates daily and a friend who hates mediation, or a friend who loves Undertale and a friend who is deeply ambivalent about it.)

Anyway, I thought of this idea, and then realized that:
  1. I do not like the sound of my own voice, so I would either have to suffer or find a podcast editor.
  2. This probably isn't the best time to be starting another project that I will eventually abandon.
  3. Wait...did I abandon my blog? Despite having an unprecedented amount of time at home?
With these problems in mind, I have decided to return to the creative outlet that I already have. And, considering that I have not fallen off the face of the earth or intentionally chosen to stop posting on this blog, you may be wondering why I haven't written recently.

I have not suffered from a lack of blog ideas. In fact, my brain has been over-concentrated with thoughts and emotions. While I panicked about the impact of COVID-19, I thought "Certainly, I have something to say." When protests emerged in response to the murder of George Floyd, I started writing a bit about places to donate and other ways to support the Black Lives Matter movement. As my twenty-second birthday approached, I wondered whether my next blog post should be a review of my twenty-first year of life. Still, I kept on writing blog post drafts, promising myself that I would return to them eventually, and then inevitably leaving them behind.

I do not want you to leave with the impression that I have been silent all this time. Instead of posting about Black Lives Matter on this blog, I posted a link and a short statement on Facebook. I have perpetually been on Twitter, retweeting away and sharing some of my own thoughts. I haven't disappeared from the internet; I have simply disappeared from this blog.

My social media use seems to be at least partially responsible for my absence from this blog. In particular, Twitter floods my brain with endless thoughts, articles, and information to peruse. It becomes difficult to pay attention to your own thoughts when your brain is constantly being fed new ideas. Writing a blog post is dependent on my ability to sustain focus. Social media does not enable me to focus well. Instead, it gives me ready access to all of the terrible things that are happening in the world. I do not have good impulse control, so I often find it challenging to say "Whelp, all of this news about [topic] is making me anxious. I probably should close this tab now!". In addition to poor impulse control, I am very prone to allowing anxiety and intrusive thoughts to govern my daily life. This is not helpful, and it was beginning to make my daily life a chore.

Upon realizing that social media was bringing out all of my worst anxiety responses, I decided to take a break from Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. It is a little odd to have to fill in the spaces where I would normally scroll through Twitter, or to realize that I subconsciously typed "facebook.com" into the search bar.

I can genuinely enjoy social media, sometimes. Throwing all of my little thoughts out into the world during the day, and having them occasionally be recognized by other people, can be a nice experience. A small amount of social media use helps me to feel connected. However, I do not have the self control to keep this experience positive. For now, I'm letting myself use the social media channels that haven't been addictive for me. Discord allows me to chat with people, but, to be honest, I often forget to open the app for weeks at a time. I occasionally look at Reddit, but my knowledge of how terrible the bad side of Reddit can be makes me incredibly cautious. I usually just look up a game I like and read some of the posts on that subreddit. For now, I removed TikTok from my phone, but I suspect that it will be one of the first addictive social media channels to return to my internet diet.

Now that social media isn't crowding my mind, I plan to return to this blog more regularly. Of course,  I have said "Hopefully I'll post more often now!" so many times, and it rarely comes to fruition. Still, I maintain some hope that I will be writing here again soon.

Best wishes,
Lydia

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