Skip to main content

Buried by Sadness

An image from Soka University of America at sunset. The image looks over a large balcony with a tree in front of it and vines along the walls. In the background, there are trees, mountains, and residential halls.

Hello!

I have been going through it. The Terrible, Horrible, Not Good, Very Bad thoughts that maybe I am an awful human being who has repressed their evil tendencies down so deeply that even they sometimes forget about their demon-like nature have returned in full force. Everyone asks me about study abroad and post-graduation plans. I want to give them the answers they want ("Study abroad was great! I have a plan for my post-graduation life, and I am excited for it!") Instead, I have to give disappointing answers. ("Study abroad had its ups and downs. I don't really have a plan for after graduation.") I am frustrated about having spent all this time in college only to be as sad and confused as when I started. I wish I was really passionate about something, but I am currently so buried by sadness that I cannot imagine any career being fulfilled.

I am beginning to think that some of this problem is social burnout. I go to class, and I am surrounded by people. I eat a meal while catching up with friends/meeting new people/participating in awkward small talk with casual acquaintances. I go to work and interact with my coworkers. I attend a club meeting and spend time with people there. Then, finally, I come home and I am lonely, but I am already so exhausted by the superficial interactions that I have been having all day that it feels unthinkable to reach out to someone for a more fulfilling social experience. Other people help to make my life livable, but most of my interactions of the draining variety and not the value-creating variety. Also, I don't have an intuitive understanding of social rules, so I'm literally walking myself through all of my social knowledge all day. Even if all of my interactions go flawlessly, I become tired just by maintaining my internal monologue. If something goes wrong, even a little bit, it feels as though I have failed as a social being.

Anyway, I promise that my life is not altogether miserable. I enjoy my classes, I have many wonderful friends/classmates/coworkers, I am still happily employed, and I am only slightly over-committed. Clearly, I am very tired, sad, and frustrated at the moment, but I am hopeful that things will be better soon.

Best wishes,
Lydia
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Blogging Every Day in August: A Directory of 30 Posts

Hello! I hope that you are all doing well! This month, I set out to write a blog post every day, and, if you are reading this blog post, I have succeeded in that goal. I imagine that future blog readers will not want to sort through 31 days worth of consecutive blog posts in order to figure out which content might be most interesting to them. So, hopefully, this post can act as a launchpad, and allow you to explore whichever blog posts from this month might capture your interests. Here is a roundup of this month's blog posts. I am including a short summary of each blog post, and who I think would enjoy each post. Tarot Reflections from the Yurts of MFC : I include snippets from my daily tarot draws while I was working as a counselor at Mountain Friends Camp. Ideal for people who like tarot, summer camp, or both. Desperately Trying to Hack My Sleep Schedule : I talk about the different methods that I have used to improve my sleep, how well they have worked, and whether I...
Post a Comment
Read more

Grouchy Lydia Returns: A Tale of Tiredness

Image of a cartoon, faceless man resting his head on a stack of books at his desk. This image is from the Wikimedia Commons , and it is attributed to Peggy and Marco Lachmann-Anke [CC0]. Hello! I am very tired! My sleeping schedule has slowly deteriorated over two weeks. At first, I kept on sleeping through my 7:30-8 AM alarm, but I consistently woke up by 8:30 AM. Tired of not reaching my goals, I figured "Well, okay, I'll just move my wakeup time to 8-8:30 AM". I'm not sure where I strategized incorrectly here, but I found myself gradually waking up later and later. Since I was waking up later, I found myself struggling to go to sleep. How could I, when I had only been awake for very long and I had been doing nothing physically or emotionally strenuous all day? My problems came to a head when I woke up just before 11 AM on Thursday. "Ugh, fine, I've had enough of this. I'll just take Melatonin tonight!" I decided in a cloud of rage. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Brief Reflection on the Practice of Blogging Daily

Image of a canyon in White Rock, New Mexico. There is a ridge in the horizon of the picture, with orange-brown rock. The canyon is dry and dirt-covered, with small bushes and trees dotted near the bottom. A green pine tree sits in the bottom left corner of the frame. Hello! I seem to be in a season of my life where I am eager to start a project, but struggle to follow through. *stares at sentimental items on my desk that been sitting there for days, waiting for me to sort through them*  By blogging every day this month, I am trying to create some consistency, and to keep Slanted Rays from becoming just another abandoned project. This habit has become surprisingly well-ingrained, even with yesterday's post being written in my parents' car on the way to Sonic at 10 PM. At the same time, maintaining a daily post schedule is a bit exhausting. It's weird to sometimes create meaningful content that I really enjoy, while also occasionally churning out words just so that I...
Post a Comment
Read more