Skip to main content

Buried by Sadness

An image from Soka University of America at sunset. The image looks over a large balcony with a tree in front of it and vines along the walls. In the background, there are trees, mountains, and residential halls.

Hello!

I have been going through it. The Terrible, Horrible, Not Good, Very Bad thoughts that maybe I am an awful human being who has repressed their evil tendencies down so deeply that even they sometimes forget about their demon-like nature have returned in full force. Everyone asks me about study abroad and post-graduation plans. I want to give them the answers they want ("Study abroad was great! I have a plan for my post-graduation life, and I am excited for it!") Instead, I have to give disappointing answers. ("Study abroad had its ups and downs. I don't really have a plan for after graduation.") I am frustrated about having spent all this time in college only to be as sad and confused as when I started. I wish I was really passionate about something, but I am currently so buried by sadness that I cannot imagine any career being fulfilled.

I am beginning to think that some of this problem is social burnout. I go to class, and I am surrounded by people. I eat a meal while catching up with friends/meeting new people/participating in awkward small talk with casual acquaintances. I go to work and interact with my coworkers. I attend a club meeting and spend time with people there. Then, finally, I come home and I am lonely, but I am already so exhausted by the superficial interactions that I have been having all day that it feels unthinkable to reach out to someone for a more fulfilling social experience. Other people help to make my life livable, but most of my interactions of the draining variety and not the value-creating variety. Also, I don't have an intuitive understanding of social rules, so I'm literally walking myself through all of my social knowledge all day. Even if all of my interactions go flawlessly, I become tired just by maintaining my internal monologue. If something goes wrong, even a little bit, it feels as though I have failed as a social being.

Anyway, I promise that my life is not altogether miserable. I enjoy my classes, I have many wonderful friends/classmates/coworkers, I am still happily employed, and I am only slightly over-committed. Clearly, I am very tired, sad, and frustrated at the moment, but I am hopeful that things will be better soon.

Best wishes,
Lydia
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Grouchy Lydia Returns: A Tale of Tiredness

Image of a cartoon, faceless man resting his head on a stack of books at his desk. This image is from the Wikimedia Commons , and it is attributed to Peggy and Marco Lachmann-Anke [CC0]. Hello! I am very tired! My sleeping schedule has slowly deteriorated over two weeks. At first, I kept on sleeping through my 7:30-8 AM alarm, but I consistently woke up by 8:30 AM. Tired of not reaching my goals, I figured "Well, okay, I'll just move my wakeup time to 8-8:30 AM". I'm not sure where I strategized incorrectly here, but I found myself gradually waking up later and later. Since I was waking up later, I found myself struggling to go to sleep. How could I, when I had only been awake for very long and I had been doing nothing physically or emotionally strenuous all day? My problems came to a head when I woke up just before 11 AM on Thursday. "Ugh, fine, I've had enough of this. I'll just take Melatonin tonight!" I decided in a cloud of rage. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

One of the Hardest Days of My Life

Bonjour! Today has honestly been one of the hardest days of my life. My host mom encouraged me to leave my homestay quickly, which somehow led to me deciding to leave the house without using the restroom or filling my water bottle. I left the house at 8:15 AM, and made it to the métro after some small hiccups. On the métro, I accidentally went one stop too far, but it wasn't a big deal because the stops were really close together. I was running a little late for the day's 9:30 AM start time, but I wasn't too worried because it was only a ten minute walk. And then, I somehow got horrifically lost. I found myself wandering Paris, hopelessly trying to find my study abroad program's office and feeling absolutely horrid. I finally arrived at about 10:50 AM. I felt terrible, not only because of my miserable experience, but because the program staff and my host mom were worried about me. To be honest, I still feel as though I am a disorganized and monstrous being. A warm...
2 comments
Read more

10 Parts of Studying Abroad in Paris That I Still Miss

1.     Being able to get anywhere in the city through the magic of walking and public transportation. This image features the tracks of one of the metro stations in the Champs-Élysées. Above the tracks, there is a peaked rooftop and a decorative triangular-shaped stained glass feature in light blue. 2.     The weather. As it turns out, it is much easier to dress in warm layers than it is to constantly evade heat exhaustion. 3.     Constant access to interesting shops, and, in particular, the papeterie section of Gibert Jeune. The exterior of Gibert Jeune's papeterie department. A yellow shade in front of the building reads "Papeterie - Loisirs Creatifs", which translates to "Stationery - Creative Hobbies". 4.     Taking walks in interesting places. I would often walk to the Bastille from my homestay or wander around the Marais. The July Column in the Bastille neighborhood on a cloudy day. The...
Post a Comment
Read more