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Buried by Sadness

An image from Soka University of America at sunset. The image looks over a large balcony with a tree in front of it and vines along the walls. In the background, there are trees, mountains, and residential halls.

Hello!

I have been going through it. The Terrible, Horrible, Not Good, Very Bad thoughts that maybe I am an awful human being who has repressed their evil tendencies down so deeply that even they sometimes forget about their demon-like nature have returned in full force. Everyone asks me about study abroad and post-graduation plans. I want to give them the answers they want ("Study abroad was great! I have a plan for my post-graduation life, and I am excited for it!") Instead, I have to give disappointing answers. ("Study abroad had its ups and downs. I don't really have a plan for after graduation.") I am frustrated about having spent all this time in college only to be as sad and confused as when I started. I wish I was really passionate about something, but I am currently so buried by sadness that I cannot imagine any career being fulfilled.

I am beginning to think that some of this problem is social burnout. I go to class, and I am surrounded by people. I eat a meal while catching up with friends/meeting new people/participating in awkward small talk with casual acquaintances. I go to work and interact with my coworkers. I attend a club meeting and spend time with people there. Then, finally, I come home and I am lonely, but I am already so exhausted by the superficial interactions that I have been having all day that it feels unthinkable to reach out to someone for a more fulfilling social experience. Other people help to make my life livable, but most of my interactions of the draining variety and not the value-creating variety. Also, I don't have an intuitive understanding of social rules, so I'm literally walking myself through all of my social knowledge all day. Even if all of my interactions go flawlessly, I become tired just by maintaining my internal monologue. If something goes wrong, even a little bit, it feels as though I have failed as a social being.

Anyway, I promise that my life is not altogether miserable. I enjoy my classes, I have many wonderful friends/classmates/coworkers, I am still happily employed, and I am only slightly over-committed. Clearly, I am very tired, sad, and frustrated at the moment, but I am hopeful that things will be better soon.

Best wishes,
Lydia
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