Buried by Sadness

An image from Soka University of America at sunset. The image looks over a large balcony with a tree in front of it and vines along the walls. In the background, there are trees, mountains, and residential halls.

Hello!

I have been going through it. The Terrible, Horrible, Not Good, Very Bad thoughts that maybe I am an awful human being who has repressed their evil tendencies down so deeply that even they sometimes forget about their demon-like nature have returned in full force. Everyone asks me about study abroad and post-graduation plans. I want to give them the answers they want ("Study abroad was great! I have a plan for my post-graduation life, and I am excited for it!") Instead, I have to give disappointing answers. ("Study abroad had its ups and downs. I don't really have a plan for after graduation.") I am frustrated about having spent all this time in college only to be as sad and confused as when I started. I wish I was really passionate about something, but I am currently so buried by sadness that I cannot imagine any career being fulfilled.

I am beginning to think that some of this problem is social burnout. I go to class, and I am surrounded by people. I eat a meal while catching up with friends/meeting new people/participating in awkward small talk with casual acquaintances. I go to work and interact with my coworkers. I attend a club meeting and spend time with people there. Then, finally, I come home and I am lonely, but I am already so exhausted by the superficial interactions that I have been having all day that it feels unthinkable to reach out to someone for a more fulfilling social experience. Other people help to make my life livable, but most of my interactions of the draining variety and not the value-creating variety. Also, I don't have an intuitive understanding of social rules, so I'm literally walking myself through all of my social knowledge all day. Even if all of my interactions go flawlessly, I become tired just by maintaining my internal monologue. If something goes wrong, even a little bit, it feels as though I have failed as a social being.

Anyway, I promise that my life is not altogether miserable. I enjoy my classes, I have many wonderful friends/classmates/coworkers, I am still happily employed, and I am only slightly over-committed. Clearly, I am very tired, sad, and frustrated at the moment, but I am hopeful that things will be better soon.

Best wishes,

Lydia

Comments

The Grouchiest Blog Post

Hello! This post is literally just Grumpy Lydia complaining. If that sounds miserable, congratulations! You have my full permission to click away now. If that sounds like something you wouldn't mind reading, please enjoy and/or suffer through this list of Lydia's Miseries. I was on vacation in Italy all last week, which means that there are many lingering tasks that have not been completed. My flight was delayed on Monday, which means that I missed class, which has led to me being even more behind. Housing selection was yesterday, and I am trying to force myself to come to terms with the fact that I'm pretty much definitely going to be living alone next year, which will contribute to my depression next year and makes me feel lonely in the present. There are just, like, a lot of lingering thoughts that I cannot find the words to write about. It is cold and wet and sad outside, which means that a Self-Imposed Walk to Help With Lingering Sadness would probably jus...

Reviewing My August 2019 Goals

This is an image of my desk during Fall Semester 2018. On the right side of the photo, there is a vintage Singer sewing machine which, unfortunately, does not work. To the left of the sewing machine, there is a crate books inside. On top of the crate, there is a stack of Rookie Yearbooks with a crocheted jellyfish (wearing glasses) on top of it, and a picture frame containing a print that reads "all the time". To the left of the crate, there are a few more books. In lieu of a proper bookend, I have placed a tarot deck (stored in a black makeup bag) and a book-themed Halloween decoration (featuring book spines with the words "Potions", "Hexes", and "Spells") to keep my books from toppling over. I chose this photograph because, unlike my current desk, this desk looks like it belongs to someone who creates monthly goals. Hello! At the start of this month, I made a list of goals. As September 1 draws near, I am l...

Street Art, Speakeasies, and Stationary

#25 in street artist Jae Ray Mie's Expressions Idiomatiques series Bonjour! After a week filled with new people and experiences, I decided to try for a more restful day yesterday. I spent the morning lounging around the house, and enjoyed cold pizza (the true taste of America) for lunch. On Friday, I found some really cool street art while I was walking to the pizza place, so I decided to go back and photograph it. I love the creativity and intricacy of street art; it always feels as though I have made a discover in a way that no art museum can replicate. Aladdin and Jasmine take the streets of Paris! (by street artist Toctoc) This one has strong Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children vibes. My personal favorite piece of street art In an effort to avoid wasting away at home, I decided to go to the papeterie section of Gibert Jeune to buy some pens, because the pens that I brought from home are on the verge of death. As stressful as my study abro...

Slanted Rays

Search This Blog